Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Air New Zooland

It appears that grooming standards are back in vogue according to today's online Age newspaper which printed the New Zealand Airline's do's and don'ts of being a flight attendant. In reference to the female trolley pushers they say "always pluck the hair between the brows", and that "blending is the key to natural looking make-up". Unacceptable is "too much make-up, no make-up, blue or pink eyeshadow, bright red, pink, purple or orange lipstick, unnatural looking tans, scaly hands and smelly breath. Unacceptable in the hair department are fringes that conceal eyebrows, excessive frosting, obvious hair extensions, towelling elastic bands or bands with a metal joint". I'm ok with most of this but the frosting bit has me puzzled. It's either too much icing or you've stuck your head in the freezer too long looking for the vodka.

The male trolley pusher is told about daily skin cleansing and "to keep it looking its best" and to "clean-shave neck hair". Pilots can't have beards (for safety reasons, apparently) and goatees must be trimmed 1.5cm past the corner of the mouth. Lips must be clearly visible. Ear and nose hair must be trimmed but in a concession to modern fashion, men are allowed to wear one solid bangle – though not earrings. Just hold your packet of peanuts there my friend...did they just say shave neck hair? On the subject of shaving I note the latest trend in men of facial hair growing years that one appears at all formal events with an unshaven look. I hate it. It's like staring at pubic hair on someone's face. I can only imagine that the remnants of last night's beef vindaloo are lodged in there somewhere. When I can walk around with stubble on my legs then we'll call it quits.

Maybe it's time that similar standards were set in writing for the female office worker. Short shorts skirts only draw attention to legs that have failed on most fronts and please, please, please don't come to work wearing low cut tops. Put them away or don't complain when nobody is listening to you. The last thing I want are your kahunas flopping into my in-tray.

So yes, I do hope grooming standards have returned, because at the moment we are scaring children and small dogs.


  1. Great Elsa Lanchester shot - I looove the Bride of Frankenstein. "We belong dead..."

    Look, you can shoot me down but I expect the Stepford Wives look in my flight attandants. Did they say anything about visible tatts? Our work dress code does.

  2. I must try sticking my head in the freezer for some frosting - next summer.

  3. 'Frosting' is the eighties-description of streaks, often pure white, found in the hair of brunette bogans. My sister-in-law (~shudeer~) still favours the look.

    ....Then again, she did describe getting five Danielle Steele books from her on-again, off-again husband for Christmas a couple of years ago as 'They're literature, full of adventure and reality romance.' I kid you not.

  4. I share your dislike of the five o'clock shadow look but I can't for the life of me work out why a pilot can't grow a beard? Although i believe moustaches get caught in the tops of ring pull cans. As for attendants . .I just wish the blokes weren't gay! I have frosting, but I work hard at covering it with a little Loreal Preference.