Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ladies and Gentleman welcome onboard flight dazed and confused

I had the joy of experiencing domestic air travel over the weekend. I began dieting in advance for my nude photo shoot at security but am still to see the proofs. Under the guise of customer service, the chumps that we are go along with the do it yourself (yes, this one again!!) print your own boarding pass and save you the time blah, blah, blah, fairytale. The reality is that those who have saved the airline the cost of printing paper are in a queue five times longer than the technology deniers who only have three people until they reach the check in counter. And as luck would have it when you do inch your way to the counter the person before you wants to check in a horse or something and this requires consultation with airline personnel that have not only left the building but are probably home tucked up in front of the telly with a mug of tea watching Air Crash Investigations. When finally I pass cattle muster and am fed through the gates towards the holding kennels for the great unwashed ie., economy passengers, I await the boarding call from the voice of the deep. Unfortunately the voice of the deep was retrenched and is replaced by yet another airline representative called "Bree" whose bubbly announcements leave you even more confused and you begin to wonder if your spoken language option was somewhere missed from the sheet. Bree excitedly tells me that a flight (number incomprehensible) has been rescheduled to board from gate ... silence, flick, flick, flick and then she pisses herself laughing. Dear Airline People, please don't put the Bree's on the loudspeakers if they can't read simple instructions. As it turns out it wasn't my flight and I was able to board my plane to Sydney in relative ease. I sat in my seat, fastened my seat belt and listened for the announcement from another voice from the deep. "Ladies and Gentleman welcome aboard flight 854 to....silence, flick, flick, flick, sound of pissing oneself with laughter...Sydney. My name is Bree and I'm your flight attendant this evening". My only hope is that the captain either is a) called Roger or something a bit more Skyways International and b) hope that his sheet contains more information than hers.


  1. Hilarious, Lorna, but not much fun at the time, right?

  2. Love it Lorna!

    ....although if the pilot is called Roger, I suspect that it's also going to be a verb for what he plans to do with Bree during their overnight layover...